Relationships Aren’t a Box to Check

Lately, I’ve been noticing something about relationships.

In new coach training this week, the value “assume positive intent” landed differently for me as I thought about interactions I observe in my world. Around the same time, a colleague reviewing my 90-day framework pointed out that while I included “meet key stakeholders,” I hadn’t emphasized the work of deepening and sustaining those relationships.

Two different settings. One consistent lesson:

Relationships aren’t built in the first conversation. They’re built in what happens after it.

We Say Relationships Matter — But We Often Treat Them Like Calendar Appointments

A meet-and-greet isn’t the same as engagement. An introduction isn’t influence. A coffee isn’t a coalition.

In advocacy work especially, you see this clearly. People show up when they need something. They make the ask. They disappear. And then they’re surprised when the call isn’t returned next time.

And my colleague’s input made me reflect on something uncomfortable: in some earlier roles, I treated stakeholder engagement like a box to check too. I met with people. I listened. I took notes.

And then I moved on.

I had access — but I hadn’t built a relationship.

We confuse proximity with connection. We check the box without building the bridge.

A meeting opens a door. A relationship builds a bridge.

And bridges aren’t built in a single step. They’re constructed intentionally — reinforced over time — and strong enough to carry weight when it matters.

The Emotional Intelligence Behind It

This is where emotional intelligence shows up externally.

Daniel Goleman puts it this way:

“Empathy and social skills are social intelligence, the interpersonal part of emotional intelligence.”

Empathy isn’t just being nice. It’s identifying with and understanding another person’s situation, pressures and motivations. It’s being able to see a situation from their perspective and listen beyond the facts.

Social skills aren’t just small talk. They’re proficiency in managing relationships and networks — finding common ground, building rapport and understanding someone’s connection language. Are they formal or informal? Data-driven or story-driven? Focused on relationships or results?

Today’s workplace requires that we be “smart” with others in a multidimensional way.

And it starts with us.

For new leaders especially, it’s tempting to focus on proving competence. But trust often matters more than being right.

Engagement Isn’t the Same as Meeting

In a new role, it’s easy to think:

• “I’ve met the key players.”

• “I’ve had the conversations.”

• “I’ve covered my bases.”

But real relationship building is iterative.

It’s going back.

Following up.

Remembering what matters to them.

Connecting their goals to yours.

Assuming positive intent when perspectives differ.

It’s building shared language before you need alignment.

That comment about my 90-day framework was right: meeting others is just the beginning. The real work is what happens in months four, six, twelve and beyond — when trust is either deepening or quietly fading.

Relationship building doesn’t always require more meetings — sometimes it’s a thoughtful follow-up, a check-in message or remembering what matters to someone.

In small organizations especially, your relationships are often your greatest form of organizational capacity.

You don’t build a bridge by stepping onto one plank and calling it complete.

Practical Takeaways

If relationship building feels vague, here are a few places to start:

• Assume positive intent first. It shifts your posture before a conversation even begins.

• Invest when you don’t need anything. The strongest relationships aren’t built in moments of urgency.

• Return after the first meeting. Access opens the door. Follow-up builds trust.

• Ask what’s taking up their attention right now. Context creates connection.

• Look for shared purpose, not just shared interests.

Relationships aren’t a “nice to have” leadership skill.

They’re infrastructure.

They determine whether your ideas travel, whether coalitions hold, whether trust survives tension and whether people see you as someone who shows up only when it’s convenient — or someone who’s in it for the long haul.

Where in your work might you be mistaking proximity for relationship?

And what would it look like to go one layer deeper this month?