Filtering Feedback Without Losing Your Balance

We talk a lot about how to give good feedback as leaders. But we don’t spend nearly as much time learning how to take it — especially when it stings a little.

Feedback can be gold or it can be noise — and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. Our instinct might be to defend, explain or quietly ignore it. But the truth is, how we receive feedback, and what we do with it, says as much about our leadership as how we give it.

This week, as we're reading through membership survey results — mostly what we expected, generally positive, with a few sharp nuggets mixed in — we found ourselves thinking about how to separate what’s useful from what’s not. When and how do we lean in and learn, and when do we thank someone for sharing and move on?

1️⃣ Start with a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck’s research on mindset reminds us that we’re all on a learning curve. The question isn’t whether we’re “good” or “bad” at something — it’s what we haven’t figured out yet.

That “yet” changes everything. When you see yourself as learning, feedback becomes data, not a judgment.

Be willing to ask for feedback, and to be specific about what you’re looking for. “How am I doing?” usually gets you “You’re doing fine.” Instead, ask questions that draw out insight:

• What’s working well right now?

• What’s one thing I could do differently next time?

• How do you think that meeting landed?

The more specific the question, the more actionable the feedback. And when you approach the conversation with curiosity rather than fear, you invite honesty and build trust.

2️⃣ Listen for Understanding, Not Reaction

The most generous thing we can do when someone offers feedback is simply listen.

Don’t jump in to defend yourself or to explain why they’re wrong. Just hear it. Ask for examples. Restate what you heard to confirm you understood.

It’s easier said than done — feedback often feels personal. But as Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone write in Thanks for the Feedback, every comment carries both a “truth trigger” (what’s being said) and an “identity trigger” (how it lands on us). The trick is separating the two long enough to learn something before reacting.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the data here?

• What’s their perspective?

• What might they be seeing that I’m not?

You don’t have to agree with it to learn from it.

3️⃣ Take Context and Perspective into Account

Feedback isn’t always absolute truth; it’s a reflection of someone’s experience from where they sit.

Even something as simple as “You say ‘um’ a lot” has layers. Objectively, maybe you do. Subjectively, maybe the listener just has a low tolerance for filler words. Both can be true.

Before reacting, give yourself time to process. How does this fit with your own self-awareness? Does it line up with other feedback you’ve received? If something doesn’t sit right, check in with a trusted colleague who you know will be candid with you.

And remember — not all feedback carries the same weight. Consider who offered it, why and in what context. A colleague who works with you daily may see something your board chair doesn’t, and vice versa, but both bring valuable perspectives.

4️⃣ When Feedback Conflicts

If you’ve ever read evaluations after a presentation, you’ve probably seen this:

“There were way too many graphs and visuals.”

Followed by:“I loved the visuals — they made the ideas clear.”

What are you supposed to do with that? Was it too many or not enough?

The answer is, probably both — depending on who’s looking. One person may prefer data-rich detail; another may absorb ideas best through stories.

You don’t have to choose which comment is “right.” Instead, look for the lesson: were the visuals helpful for this audience overall? Were the specific graphics clear and purposeful?

And don’t forget: we don’t show up exactly the same way with everyone, and not everyone experiences us the same way. Conflicting feedback can provide as much insight about others’ preferences and needs as it does about your own performance.

5️⃣ Experiment, Don’t Overhaul

Feedback doesn’t have to trigger a full renovation of your leadership style.

Try small experiments. If someone says your meetings run long, start by tightening one section. If a teammate mentions you jump in too quickly, practice waiting two beats before responding.

Adam Grant calls this “thinking again” — testing your assumptions, not discarding your instincts. Small tests let you see whether a change actually makes a difference, for you and for others.

6️⃣ Know When to Let Go

Not all feedback deserves a reaction. Sometimes the healthiest move is to say thank you, note it and move on.

Outlier comments happen. You’ll never please everyone, and trying to will wear you out. Confidence doesn’t mean ignoring feedback — it means knowing which voices matter most and which to release.

Leadership isn’t about chasing consensus or trying to make everyone happy. It’s about staying curious, reflective and grounded enough to keep learning — without losing your balance.

The Takeaway

The next time feedback lands — whether it’s glowing, confusing or uncomfortable — pause before you react. Listen, consider the source, look for patterns and ask yourself what this might teach you. Then decide: act, experiment or move on.

The best leaders don’t take every piece of feedback to heart. They stay open enough to learn, discerning enough to choose and confident enough to keep leading out loud.